Why is Sober Dan sober?

Although viewing the rest of this site might lead you to believe that I'm Sober Dan because I am constantly drunk and doing stupid things (sort of an irony thing, like calling a fat guy "slim"), the truth of the matter is that I have never drank a drop of alcohol in my life (and I still do stupid things). OK, there was this one time when Kifer threw a beer at me and a drop got in my mouth, and another time when a keg exploded in my face and I got beer in my eye, but I have never voluntarily tasted, ingested, or drank alcohol.

A question I get asked a lot is: why? You obviously want to know because you're at this page. The answer is pretty simple, actually. There is a past history of alcoholism in my family and because alcoholism is a disease that can be hereditary, I've denied myself the opportunity to get it.

My grandpa on my dad's side used to drink a lot of Old Style. I remember his corn crib being full of old beer bottles. My cousin and I used to go out there with a stick and just break the hell out of the bottles for a good time. We never seemed to run out bottles to break, but I didn't realize until my early teens that someone had to drink all those bottles, and that someone was my grandpa.

He was never physically abusive and I don't actually ever remember him being passed-out drunk, but I know that it affected my dad in a negative way. I don't want to ever miss my son's baseball game or school play because I'm too drunk.

I guess that I'm making a big assumption that if I ever drank, I would instantly be addicted to the sweet bubbles of beer. That probably isn't true, but I don't want to risk finding out right now.

Many people find it hard to believe that I made it through four years of college and I pledged and joined a fraternity without drinking. The truth is that I've been fortunate to surround myself with people who never find it necessary to pressure me into drinking. In fact, I think that most of my friends wouldn't let me drink, even if I wanted to. Probably because then the'd have to start taking turns as the designated driver.

So do I think poorly of people who drink? Heck no! I encourage it. It makes it easier for me to pick up chicks. Plus, then I'm not the only one who's dancing on the table. OK, I was the only one who danced on the table, which only means that my friends don't drink enough. Next round is on me...

Things I would drink if I ever started:

  • Colt 45
  • Mickey's
  • White Lightning
  • King Cobra
  • Bacardi "O"
  • Mamosa's
  • Olympia
  • Natural Light
  • Osco Brand Vodka

Things that I wouldn't drink if I ever started:

  • Zima with a Jolly Rancher
  • Wine from a box
  • Anything that is labeled "fruity"
  • Cognac
  • Miller Lite
  • Sex on the Beach