Instructions for when I die

If you are reading this, then either one of two things has happened: 1) I've died or 2) I'm alive, but you are morbidly curious as to what my instructions are if I were to die.

I'll address the first situation in more detail later, but if the second situation is the case, GOOD! I'm still alive. I don't want to die yet because I think I still have a lot to accomplish. Don't think that I sit around obsessing about death either, because I don't. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I know for a fact that I will one day die, and I don't worry about when because I trust that God has a plan.

If the first case is true, and I am indeed dead, then this is probably pretty hard for you to be reading right now. Don't worry! Unless I became a really sinful jerk towards the end, I'm confident that I'm chilling with the Big Man right now, and heaven is better than you can ever possibly imagine. I don't want you to be sad that I left this world, I want you to be happy that I've moved up to the big leagues. I'm not implying that you shouldn't grieve, though. I sort of expect that for a while (unless you hated me, in which case there is cause to celebrate). However, instead of being depressed that I'm not there anymore, I hope you'll follow my prompting to celebrate.

I imagine that I've probably amassed some material goods while I was alive. I obviously don't need them anymore. If I still have my Durango, it goes to Matt Kreis. I figure that since he totaled my other red SUV, he can have a shot with this one. If I still have my Corvette, it goes to my brother. It's probably still not running, but now it's his problem. If I still have my Harley, it goes to either Kifer or Big Papa, determined by whoever hasn't bought a Harley yet. Come on guys, get off your rice burners and ride a real bike.

Give my clothes to Kirby Winn, give my books to the homeless shelter, and give my tools to my brother. Everything else is up for grabs.

I imagine that I may be in debt at my passing. Don't worry, I have life insurance to cover that. So there will be some money out coming soon. Two people that I chose at random are going to get some big checks. When you get them, pay off my loans, etc. With the leftover money, pay to get my body creamated. Put my ashes into little packets and distribute them at my funeral service. The instructions for the packet is "Spread contents where you have your best memories of Dan. Shake Well." Hopefully I won't be flushed down too many toilets.

As for the service, I want it to be a "roast." Give me one last good ribbing, I'm sure that I deserve it. Afterwards, make sure that the reception has good food. I left plenty of life insurance money, buy something better than ham sandwiches. Make sure there is Happy Joes Pizza and Whitey's Ice Cream. Get a DJ and make sure that he plays at least one Digital Underground song. Hopefully the party will last long into the night, and at three in the morning, have plenty of Burrito House delivered for those who stayed awake.

After my debts are paid off and the funeral is over, there still should be some money left over. If I have a family, give it all to them. If I don't, then give half to the Boy Scouts and half to Augustana.

That takes care of all the unimportant stuff. Now for the good stuff...

If you are my friend, then thank you for all that you've done in my life. I've always counted myself among the most fortunate people in the world because I have a group of friends that are extremely loyal, very understanding, and consistently teaching me new things about myself and life.

If you are family, then thank you for giving more love than any one person deserves. I've done my share of things to make you angry and we've fought time and time again, but know that regardless of any of that, I love you and I'll see you soon.

If you don't know me, then thanks for reading my website. You probably think I am strange, and you would be correct.

And my finals words are these: the greatest thing that you can do in life is God's purpose.