Instructions for when I die
If you are reading this, then either one of two things has happened:
1) I've died or 2) I'm alive, but you are morbidly curious as to what
my instructions are if I were to die.
I'll address the first situation in more detail later, but if the second
situation is the case, GOOD! I'm still alive. I don't want to die yet
because I think I still have a lot to accomplish. Don't think that I sit
around obsessing about death either, because I don't. In fact, it's quite
the opposite. I know for a fact that I will one day die, and I don't worry
about when because I trust that God has a plan.
If the first case is true, and I am indeed dead, then this is probably
pretty hard for you to be reading right now. Don't worry! Unless I became
a really sinful jerk towards the end, I'm confident that I'm chilling
with the Big Man right now, and heaven is better than you can ever possibly
imagine. I don't want you to be sad that I left this world, I want you
to be happy that I've moved up to the big leagues. I'm not implying that
you shouldn't grieve, though. I sort of expect that for a while (unless
you hated me, in which case there is cause to celebrate). However, instead
of being depressed that I'm not there anymore, I hope you'll follow my
prompting to celebrate.
I imagine that I've probably amassed some material goods while I was
alive. I obviously don't need them anymore. If I still have my Durango,
it goes to Matt Kreis. I figure that since he totaled my other red SUV,
he can have a shot with this one. If I still have my Corvette, it goes
to my brother. It's probably still not running, but now it's his problem.
If I still have my Harley, it goes to either Kifer or Big Papa, determined
by whoever hasn't bought a Harley yet. Come on guys, get off your rice
burners and ride a real bike.
Give my clothes to Kirby Winn, give my books to the homeless shelter,
and give my tools to my brother. Everything else is up for grabs.
I imagine that I may be in debt at my passing. Don't worry, I have life
insurance to cover that. So there will be some money out coming soon.
Two people that I chose at random are going to get some big checks. When
you get them, pay off my loans, etc. With the leftover money, pay to get
my body creamated. Put my ashes into little packets and distribute them
at my funeral service. The instructions for the packet is "Spread
contents where you have your best memories of Dan. Shake Well." Hopefully
I won't be flushed down too many toilets.
As for the service, I want it to be a "roast." Give me one
last good ribbing, I'm sure that I deserve it. Afterwards, make sure that
the reception has good food. I left plenty of life insurance money, buy
something better than ham sandwiches. Make sure there is Happy Joes Pizza
and Whitey's Ice Cream. Get a DJ and make sure that he plays at least
one Digital Underground song. Hopefully the party will last long into
the night, and at three in the morning, have plenty of Burrito House delivered
for those who stayed awake.
After my debts are paid off and the funeral is over, there still should
be some money left over. If I have a family, give it all to them. If I
don't, then give half to the Boy Scouts and half to Augustana.
That takes care of all the unimportant stuff. Now for the good stuff...
If you are my friend, then thank you for all that you've done in my life.
I've always counted myself among the most fortunate people in the world
because I have a group of friends that are extremely loyal, very understanding,
and consistently teaching me new things about myself and life.
If you are family, then thank you for giving more love than any one person
deserves. I've done my share of things to make you angry and we've fought
time and time again, but know that regardless of any of that, I love you
and I'll see you soon.
If you don't know me, then thanks for reading my website. You probably
think I am strange, and you would be correct.
And my finals words are these: the greatest thing that you can do in
life is God's purpose.
|