... the antenna broke off yesterday, rendering the phone pretty much useless. The irony is that I have a perfectly good house phone, but I don't know how to dial out (I don't even know what the phone number is).
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In a lot of ways, it's peaceful knowing that the phone won't ring at 4:00 am because intoxication has taken control of an otherwise normal friend. However, it's a problem because people aren't able to complete calls to me, and I literally get hundreds of very important phone calls each day.
Because my phone isn't reliably dialing out, I've returned my messages here (sorry to bore you if they aren't for you):
Mom - of course I remembered to change my sheets this week. Thanks again for the weekly reminder.
President Bush - I'd be happy to fill in for Tom Ridge while you are searching for a new Secretary of Homeland Security. I'll see you next week at the secret vast right wing conspiracy meeting and we can talk details then.
Agent Jones from the CIA - the duck does indeed fly at midnight. The farmer has left the barn and the bushel will be delivered soon.
Nomar - yes, you should resign with the Cubs. I can be in Chicago next week to help you finalize the contract.
Mom - thanks again. I always forget which sheet goes on top. The one with the wrinkley corners goes down first.
Shaq - you definitely need the 26" dubs on the caddy. I don't care what Snoop told you, the 24's haven't been cool since 50 cent was in da' club.
John - I haven't finished my part of our group project yet but I should have it done by tomorrow.
Steven - I looked over the rough cut of ET2 and I think you need to add more of Angelina Jolie to the closing bike flying sequence. You know, sex it up a bit.
Senator Kerry - I'd love to meet you for tennis this week, but I'm swamped. Do you have any free time over the next, say, four years?
Dear Sober Dan, please make sure that this is ran in the South Bend News:
Now taking coaching applications!!! For the Notre Dame head coaching position!! Very sought after job!! Good insurance, good benefits. Must kiss the alumni's ass, pat them on the ass, as you will be retained or not retained according to them. You must win now!! You have too, win at any cost, because we at Notre Dame Football only care about the bottom dollar, for example we put seats up blocking the touchdown Jesus, and we signed a huge NBC sports contract, and now we think we are all that, but we really aren't because opps, on Saturday's who isn't on National TV with ESPN Gameplan, and CBS, ABC, and ESPN, ESPN 2, and FSN, the NBC Deal does nothing for recruiting, and it just lines our pockets with gold. We obviously dont care just about winning or we would move to a BCS conference, water down the schedule a bit, and loose our NBC contract. Minority's need not apply!! As you will probably be fired earlier than any white guys at Notre Dame. Sorry this job is only a three year job, unless after three years, you win three national championships, and graduate 90 percent of your players, or your ass is gone. The job is only open to one man, in fact if your name isnt Urban Meyer, you shouldn't apply. As you must be the chosen one, you have a perfect season at Utah, and coached at Notre Dame...wow must be the perfect fit! You are hire Urban! However we at Notre Dame reserve the right to fire you, the next time a Mountain West team's coach goes undefeated, or when the grass looks greener at this position, you are fired!