A Lifetime Achievement



Posted on December 9, 2003 05:05 PM

In a lot of ways I would consider myself to be a very average person, especially lately. I haven't really pushed myself to achieve greatness, and I haven't stretched my mind too much outiside of its normal boundaries. In fact, since I graduated from college I would be hard pressed to name a single crowning achievement in my life.

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There is something that I have been working hard at now for several years, and just last week I finally achieved the task that I set out to do long ago. I officially weigh the most that I ever have. I stepped on the scale last week and it registered at a number that I have never achieved. Needless to say I am thrilled. It's not often that someone achieves such a milestone in their life.

I wish that I could contribute my record setting weight to my own hard work, exercise, and training, but the real thanks goes to all of my friends, family and co-workers who have pushed me to eat more and more food, often without regard to nutritional value.

First and foremost, I'd like to thank my family. My parents like to eat healthy, but they always have plenty of food for me when I'm over for dinner. My mom's skillful combination of fruits, vegetables and high calorie deserts were the foundation of my achivement, and without her and the rest of the family, I would have never even dreamed of going down the road I have traveled.

I'd also like to thank my friends, who never let me walk away from an eating challenge and who always encourage me to finish my plate and the plate of those around me. Whether it be a pile of hot wings or a stack of ice cream sandwiches, my friends constantly push me to new levels of excellence. They often put their own personal gains aside so that I can eat the last three pieces of pizza or the last half pound of greasey pub fries.

I owe some of the credit to the readers of SoberDan.com. Without your loyalty to my site, I would have no reason to spend an hour each evening in front of the computer screen. I dare say that I might actually exercise if I didn't spend my time making this site. Thank you from saving me from the perils of exercise.

And finally I'd like to thank my co-workers, who consistently bring in doughnuts, cake, pie, and other sugary snacks. Your contribution to my weight is paramount to all others. Thank you for resisting the urge to bring carrots or celery to work. The trans-fats that you constanly make available continue to be a source of weight gain for me.

I'm very fortunate to be surrounding by people who are so supportive. As I continue to balloon in weight, I look forward to sharing my accomplishments with those who are nearest to me. Thank you again, for your help and support, and I'll keep you posted on my future achievements.


Comments:

Now readers - on December 8th Dan stopped by for supper. I served 1 chicken breast cooked in low fat/low sodium cream of chicken soup and added mushrooms and green beans. I also served fresh steamed broccoli with ultra lowfat margarine and 2% american cheese (1 slice of 50 calories). I served one whole wheat roll. For dessert I served 1/2 cup of no sugar added applesauce. I feel pretty smug about this. He can stop blaming me now!!! Did I hear that someone had baked him some cookies??? Not me - last year I did not bake
Christmas cookies.

Posted by: Sobermom at December 10, 2003 11:43 AM

Hey Bro, since you don't directly mention my name in your complaints, I say that you start a class action law suit against the complaints of your causes for your "eating disorder(which may affect his ability for function at work)" Dan, you're a good guy, a good bro, but you are a victim, you shall start a class action law suit against as many people as possible...
But coming up with the idea of the lawsuit I expect in return:
To Garnish your wages at mere 15% of your paycheck, for the rest of your life

I expect a mere 15% from the class action lawsuits

I expect to take the title of your Corvette

I expect a 15% royality from any movie that is made about this

I expect a 20% royality from any book that is published about you, the victim

I aslo expect season tickets for the 2004 Chicago Cubs Season