Cub's Playoff Tickets

Essay #2

Why I deserve the honor of attending a Cubs playoff game with Dan and Dave

A man’s path through life is often vague and shrouded in mystery. Every once in while, however, that path forks into two separate and distinct paths and the man must make a choice. The options are clear, but the consequences of such a choice are potentially life changing. I am at that divergence my friends, and my choices are clear. I must choose between preserving my dignity, honor, and pride, which comprise the very essence of my being, or sacrificing it all by groveling and begging at the feet of my friends for Cubs playoff tickets. The choice, of course, is simple. The value of Cubs playoff tickets far eclipses the value attributable to the essence of my being and, as such, I will sacrifice said “essence” and grovel mercilessly at the feet of my friends, albeit in a dignified manner through this essay.

There are three critical reasons why I deserve a Cubs playoff ticket. First, is my passion and reverence for the organization that is the Chicago Cubs. When I first came into this world, long before the likes of Jerome Walton, Andre Dawson, and Henry Rodriguez roamed the Wrigley Outfield, my first utterance was not a wail, but rather a weak though distinguishable “Cubs Win!” From that day forth, my dedication has been unwavering. In point of fact, I have a birthmark in the shape of Ryne Sandberg on my left…well, that is neither here nor there. The point is I understand what it takes to be a true Cubs fan. You see, it is not just about watching every game on TV, or going to Mecca (Wrigley) as much as possible, or having all the Cubs apparel money can buy (such as Cubs jock straps, knee highs, lederhosen, etc.), or even about getting the Cubs logo tattooed on your ball-sac. It is really about understanding one thing: The Chicago Cubs are infallible. Yes, I realize that this theory seems rather deep-seeded in atheism, and once in a while, the Cubs lose a game or two. But bear in mind that I am not elevating the Cubs above God; I am merely suggesting that they may be on an even playing field. Of course, it remains to be seen if there is a Wrigley Field in heaven…

The second reason I deserve to go is because of my long-standing and faithful friendships with both Dan and Dave. I think our steadfast friendship, in part, can be attributed to the fact that I worship them. When I scrutinize the details of my everyday life and why I do the things I do, it all leads back to Dan and Dave. When I work out, I am trying to sculpt my body to mimic their Adonis-like qualities. When I study, I am trying to achieve the inexplicable omnipotence that they so easily achieve. When I meet a girl, I try to envision what Dan and Dave would say in their suave, George-Clooney-meets-Ricky-Martin-meets-Ron-Jeremy kind of style. And most importantly, when I act in any capacity as a human being, I do so thinking about the refined and mature approach Dan and Dave would endorse.

The last reason that I deserve to attend the Cubs Playoff game is that I live in Chicago and can therefore provide Dan and Dave with a place to rest their weary, royal bones at the conclusion of the Cubs playoff series clinching victory. I do not purport to argue that they owe me for anything, for surely they would be gladly welcomed into my humble abode with or without taking me with them to the most important game that I would ever be able to attend in whole entire life times infinity. This last reason is merely to point out that taking me to the game could have its advantages for both Dan (food and girls) and Dave (food and beer) after a glorious day at the Friendly Confines.

In sum, I have laid out a plethora of reasons why I deserve one of the precious tickets to the Cubs playoff games. I have sacrificed that which is so important to me to grovel and beg at the feet of my friends. I have expressed feelings and motivations so intrinsically personal. And I hereby promise both Dan and Dave one of the most amazing experiences of their lives. For this, I most humbly request, nay, beg for a Cubs playoff ticket. Please, take pity.